May 2008: Vol. 2, Issue 5

Your connection to the latest counseling information from PC&CC
 

Recharging Batteries:

Soothing Your Overworked Partner

     “Is loss of connection and intimacy an inevitable outcome of our harried lives?” asks Offra Gerstein, Ph.D., a psychologist and columnist in Santa Cruz, Calif. Not if we become aware of the impact of work, family, and stress on our relationships, she says.

     “Couples who are both employed outside the home encounter work demands and expectations that deplete their energy and capacity to seek connection. They often dream of sleep and rest more than they do of sharing their work stresses or even becoming amorous,” Gerstein notes. “When you add children to the mix, the balancing act becomes even more daunting.” She explains that with two jobs, a home, and children to take care of, such couples are managing four individual businesses. “Having only two people responsible for juggling all that these jobs entail use of so much energy that none is left for personal care, social life and interpersonal intimacy,” she says.

     The result is that partners are unable to offer appropriate attention and care to the relationship. “That leaves mates feeling unsupported, unappreciated and perhaps even unloved. The chance that this pair will be embracing each other tenderly soon- is greatly diminished,” Gerstein says, adding that something can be done to reverse the trends.

     Consider career change – such as flexible work scheduling and seeking out new positions.

     Understand that being overworked, tired and frustrated makes you a less compassionate family member – Taking a moment to recognize the transition back to the home at night can help tired workers be more available and present, she says.

     Remember reciprocity – “Your mate is equally stressed with his/her daily work and looks to you for support, soothing and appreciations,” Gerstein advises.

     Good greeting – She suggests telling your partner how happy you are to see him, embrace, and refresh yourself with the support of each other.

     Say thank you – “Kind words are very effective de-stressors,” Gerstein says.

     Off-task togetherness – Making sure you have time together that does not involve completing a project, according to Gerstein, can increase connection and replenish couples for the next day at work.

To read more of Gerstein’s relationship advice, visit http://www.relationshipmatters.com/
BIBLIOTHERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Ginny Graham, M.S., Certified Spiritual Director

     PC&CC therapist Ginny Graham has had a life-long love affair with reading. As both a high school creative writing teacher and a counselor with an interest in spiritual direction, Graham finds herself returning to old works and recommending them to clients and colleagues.

     “Although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, back in the late 1960s M.C. Richards’ book, Centering: In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person first awakened in me a respect for the conscious process of change,” Graham recalls. “She inspired my understanding of life, and therapy, as an ongoing evolutionary process which takes both courage as well as creativity. On both a personal and professional level, whenever I need a jump-start-breath of enthusiasm for the transformational reality of life, almost any page of this book offers me something rich.”

     Graham also lists numerous books that have influenced her approach to counseling, including Stanton Jones and Richard Butman’s Modern Psychotherapies, Monica McGoldrick’s Ethnicity and Family Therapy, and Pamela Cooper-White’s Many Voices and Shared Wisdom. She also often recommends two books featuring family systems theory, Roberta Gilbert’s Extraordinary Relationships and Connecting with Our Children, to those “who are trying to become more objective about their family emotional processes.”

     Meanwhile, Graham often suggests the works of Gerald G. May in order to help clients and referral sources clarify the differences between spiritual direction and therapy. In particular, she enjoys May’s Will and Spirit and Care of Mind/Care of Spirit for that purpose. For herself, Graham has found insight in Thomas Keating’s books and often recommends them to clients inclined toward meditation as a way to gaining greater consciousness, integration and well-being. She also finds personal and professional value in Harville Hendrix’s works on relationship theory, noting that she often encourages her clients to read Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find.

Graham works in PC&CC’s office in Alexandria, Va. She may be reached at 202-449-3789 x715.
REFERRAL CORNER: Making Phobic Assessments

     Indiana Jones’ fear of snakes was a nice bit of comic relief in the Raiders of the Lost Ark movie. While most people will admit to having at least some fear of things such as spiders, heights, or flying, the difference between a basic fear and a phobia is more pronounced.

     With the help of a professional, those with phobias can identify the practices, thoughts, or situations that invite and maintain phobic anxiety. Treatment plans include clarifying the chain of experience, and working to manage one’s reaction to the stressor. Clients may be asked to honestly confront their behavior using the following guidelines:

 

  1. Listing symptoms of physiology, behavior, thoughts, and feelings
  2. Considering the maintaining factors that interfere with progress (avoidance, self-doubt, ongoing depression, any underlying fears of overcoming the phobia)
  3. Naming existing coping skills
  4. Inventorying resources (hobbies, friends, family, community, sources of pleasure and success)
  5. Assessing one’s suitability for treatment (any potential for noncompliance)
  6. Clarifying the measures of success

Most phobia cases do improve with treatment. PC&CC counselors are always available for consultation.

Information culled from Therapist’s Guide to Clinical Intervention by Sharon L. Johnson.
RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Don't Wing It

       You wouldn’t think of flying in an airplane with a pilot who had no training. Making your marriage fly is a far more complex task, yet you probably had almost no formal preparation. You and your partner simply got in the cockpit and took off, hoping not to crash but not really knowing how to avoid a disaster. Now that you’re airborne, you may be reluctant to ask for help, thinking that you ought to be able to figure it out on your own. That attitude can be tragically short sighted. It’s a sign of self-confidence and intelligence to seek training from professionals who can teach you the skills you need. Together, attend a workshop, see a couples therapist, or read a book on enriching your relationship.

– From The Little Book of Love Tips by Martha Beveridge.
PC&CC EVENT CALENDAR

- SUMMER WORKSHOP: July 11-13  "Getting the Love You Want, A Workshop For Couples." Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The two-day course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work.

Click here for more information.

 - NEW GROUP: QuarterLife+10 is a new group launching soon at PC&CC. This therapy group is for unmarried professionals in their mid-20s to mid-30s who want to explore issues related to work/career, personhood/identity, spirituality, relationships, and more, in a supportive, open environment. The group will be led by Nathan Gehlert and Cate Shea. Click here for more information.

- NEW PROGRAM: PC&CC is sponsoring a "Fly Fishing for the Soul" adventure in Alaska. The program will offer men a transformative experience of fly fishing and self exploration. Please contact Dr. Carl Siegel for more information by calling 202-449-3789 x701 or email him.

The Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Center of Greater Washington
7003 Piney Branch Road, NW | Washington DC, 20012
 7 Convenient Locations in DC Metro Area
www.pastoralcounselingdc.com | 202-449-3789