Pastoral Coaching and the Whole-Person

By Robert Gordon, M.S., M.A. Life, Career, and Couples Coach

"Part consultant, part motivational speaker, part therapist and part friend, coaches work with managers, entrepreneurs and just plain folks, helping them define and achieve their goals - career, personal or, most often, both." - Newsweek

     As the Newsweek excerpt suggests, conventional coaching, used effectively, reveals clients' unique gifts and possibilities and helps them take focused, effective action to bring them in to the world.

      What then, is pastoral coaching?  I think of pastoral coaching as "whole-person" coaching. Just as holistic health care focuses on the whole person, not merely treating or suppressing symptoms, I find that a whole-person approach to coaching acknowledges dimensions that go beyond our roles and goals. Conventional coaching engages the client's intellectual, emotional, and psychological resources to achieve their goals. As a pastoral/whole-person coach, I try to ensure that the client's goals are also informed by the spirit. 

     Many of my clients arrive with similar complaints, e.g., "I can't figure out what I want." "I can't stay motivated." "I can't commit to one goal." From a pastoral/whole-person perspective, I see two reasons for this:

     (1) Conventional coaching works with goals that, in my opinion, are formulated at a fairly superficial level, raising the question of who or what is formulating the life goals in the first place. My own history and my experience with clients indicate to me that there is a life that wants to be lived through us and it cannot be manufactured by the mind.  It must be discovered. When the client is attuned to the spirit, their goals possess depth, "juice," and endurance. 

     (2) As G. I. Gurdjieff observed, "We are not one." Gurdjieff believed that the chief human illusion is that we ascribe psychological unity to ourselves, when in fact we are comprised of many 'I's, each with its own interests and agenda. Psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone agree: "Each self has its own way of viewing the world, its own perceptions, its own beliefs and rules, and its own specific history." They add, "Recent advances in functional neurological imaging suggest . . . the different selves may well represent webs of neuronal pathways that have developed over time as a result of repetitive experiences or actions." The Stone's coaching and therapy aid, Voice Dialogue, enables the trained facilitator to make the client aware of this "inner family" and rally its members around one set of goals.

      Considering all this, I believe pastoral/whole-person coaching should help clients understand and embrace what is being asked of them at the soul level and to use tools such as Voice Dialogue to encourage unity of purpose and consistent action toward their goals.

Robert Gordon works in PC&CC's Takoma Park office. He may be reached at 202-449-3789 x707.

---

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Nathan Gehlert, M.S., NCC

      You could say that Nathan Gehlert's own "quarterlife crisis" led him down the path to career change. As a result, he's now helping others in their 20s and 30s discern what they want their own lives to look like in 10 years.

     Gehlert joined PC&CC last year while working on his Ph.D. in Pastoral Counseling at Loyola College. He explains that his decision to leave a political science career several years ago really was part of a larger discernment process taking place in his 20s. "I know it's probably a cliché, but I got into political science because I was really interested in helping people on a macro level. I enjoyed my time doing that and learned a lot, but at the end of the day, I felt frustrated that I wasn't getting to help people in the ways that I really wanted to," he says.

      During his discernment process, Gehlert noticed that he was playing "armchair psychologist" for many of his friends. He began also reading up on psychology and spirituality.

     In a meditation that combined his political background with his growing interest in pastoral psychotherapy, Gehlert imagined peace talks between two diplomats. "I found myself thinking that there's a 50 percent chance that each of those people is going to have a broken marriage. That means that those people who have the responsibility of making relationships between people and nations and communities, half of them have trouble communicating with just one other person," he says, adding that this is what drew him to couples work. "Helping one person communicate effectively with just one other person, that might be the path to begin effecting change in our world and healing the world in a very large-scale way, but starting at a very small place."

      As an Imago-trained therapist, Gehlert notes that he finds real joy in working with individuals and couples striving for better communication. "In doing this work I am really being who I am, and I can bring my whole self into the counseling room for my job. It feels great to get to be me in my profession," he says.

      Gehlert's empathy for other twenty- and thirty-somethings struggling with quarterlife issues has driven him to co-lead a group on the topic with PC&CC's Cate Shea. "I am really interested in working with people in their 20s and 30s who are starting to experience those things that come as a part of the quarterlife - such as individuation from our parents, finding a meaningful career, establishing ourselves in intimate relationships," he explains. "A very important piece of that is helping people think about getting into a lifelong relationship."

     Gehlert and Shea's "Quarterlife+10" group aims to help young adults assess where they are today and where they would like to be in 10 more years. Meanwhile, Gehlert is looking to completing his Ph.D. "I am really fascinated by theories," he explains. He is in the planning stages of his dissertation research and hopes to consider the Imago theory of relationships and the laws of attraction as part of his study.

Gehlert works in PC&CC's Foggy Bottom and Capitol Hill offices. He may be reached at 202-449-3789 x716.

---

REFERRAL CORNER: Stress Busters

     Anxiety and stress are the most common causes of mental illness in the U.S., according to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. Anxiety disorders affect more than 18 percent of the U.S. population and cost the country more than $42 billion a year in healthcare costs. Finding simple ways to help alleviate stress on a daily basis may help prevent more serious symptoms of anxiety disorders. Here are some tips for coping with stress:

• Get up 15 minutes earlier
• Prepare for the morning the night before
• Avoid tight-fitting clothes
• Write it down - don't rely on your memory
• Set priorities in your life
• Anticipate your own needs
• Make duplicate keys
• Say "no" more often
• Avoid negative people
• Simplify mealtimes
• Break large tasks into bite-sized portions
• Be prepared for rain
• Say something nice to someone
• Stop negative self-talk
• Visualize yourself succeeding
• Practice breathing slowly
• Buy yourself flowers
• As someone to be your "vent partner"
• Stretch your limits a little each day
• Always have a plan B
• Become a better listener
• Stand up and stretch
• Take a new route to work
• Freely praise other people

      PC&CC counselors are always available for consultation on stress reduction and other mental health issues.

---

RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Something Silly

     Sometimes it helps to be silly with our partners for a moment, even when we are dealing with tough issues. It reminds us of the spirit that brought us together in the first place, and can do wonders for releasing stress and setting a positive tone between two people.

     To make this point, PC&CC's Stacy Notaras Murphy often assigns silly tasks to her couples in between sessions - such as having a staring contest, playing hide and seek, or making up a cheer they can perform together. "My favorite is to ask them to come up with a secret handshake," she says. "I've seen couples make variations on their childhood handshakes, add dance moves, sing little songs. Some of them are very subtle and they make a habit of doing the handshake when they're out with other people - as a way to give the signal that they are together and have an intimate secret. It's a great way for them to be creative together, which is part of what we're doing in our sessions - working together, creatively, to heal rifts and make it safe to be close once again."

---

STAFF NEWS & NOTES

• This fall, Joanne Comstock will be an affiliate faculty member in the Pastoral Counseling master's degree program at Loyola College in Maryland.
• PC&CC welcomes Norma Stevens and Robert Gordon as new members of our staff. Stevens will work in Ellicott City, Md., while Gordon will operate out of our office in Takoma Park, DC.
• Rebecca Sears and Carl Siegel will travel to South Africa this summer to train new Imago therapists. Trainees will be coming from as far away as Kenya for the program which will run over three, four-day sessions through January. Meanwhile, Sears will be training a new group of Imago therapists in Washington, DC, starting in September.

---

PC&CC EVENT CALENDAR

• Couplehood as a Spiritual Path: Robert Gordon will be leading this course based on Imago Relationship Therapy at the Still Point Mind and Body center in Takoma Park on Sundays in July and August. Email him for more information or call 301-221-1861.
• Our "Getting the Love You Want" workshops for couples can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple's ongoing marriage counseling. Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The weekend course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next Washington, DC workshop will be July 11-13. Click here for more information.
• Fly-Fishing for the Soul:  An Alaskan Wilderness Adventure, Aug. 15-24. Eight days on a remote river in Alaska. An adventure you'll never forget! All are welcome... no previous experience in fly-fishing or soul searching required!!!  Contact Carl Siegel at 202-669-6417 for more information.