Navigating the 'Quarterlife Crisis'

By Nathan Gehlert, M.S.    

     "My father never talked about buying a sports car in his middle years, but I sure feel like I could use one - or at least a six month trek across Europe", said James, a 27-year-old client who worked for a federal agency and couldn't stand sitting in front of a computer for nine hours each day at his third post-college job. He also frequently expressed disdain at the fact that he was living in a group house with four other twentysomethings, that he could barely pay all his bills (especially the student loan), that his mother kept asking him about his singlehood, and that he had no real vision for his future. James often spoke of feeling in crisis.

      James may be just an amalgamation of some of the people I've worked with as a therapist, but his issues are very real. In fact, his plight has become so typical that experts have labeled it the "quarterlife crisis." The last several decades have brought about societal changes that affect young adults in new ways. Some statistics about modern twentysomethings: about 50 percent of them currently live at home (a 50 percent increase since the 1970s), they average 8.6 jobs during their 20s, they are in the first generation who will not do as well financially as their parents, student load debt has doubled in the past decade to nearly $20,000, and 41 percent of them say they face nearly unbearable stress.

     The changes are so extensive that people are now reaching traditional markers of adulthood much later in life. In the 1960s, 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men at age 30 had left home, earned a higher degree, become financially independent, married, and had a child. Today, those numbers have dropped to 46 percent of women and 31 percent of men.

     Young clients often come into my office feeling behind where they "should be" and say their lives don't look anything like they thought they would while they were in school. Fortunately, this feeling of crisis can be an opportunity to become empowered through the therapeutic process. Some of my clients eventually decide to change jobs (often to lower-paying, but more fulfilling careers). Some chose to go back to school or start working with a financial planner. For others, the work goes deeper. They may choose to work to individuate from their parents, set more realistic goals for how they will influence the world, or name new priorities and create time for meaningful or relaxing activities.

      I frequently find that the clients who work through these issues have a truer sense of self and a clearer understanding of their place among their friends, in their communities, and in their understanding of the world.
This fall, Nathan Gehlert and Cate Shea co-lead a new group called QuarterLife+10. To learn more click here or contact Gehlert at 202-449-3789 x716 or via email .

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Norma Stevens, M.S.

     As a person who thoroughly prefers to make direct connections with others, Norma Stevens was feeling unfulfilled in her criminal justice career.

     “I just felt like I wasn’t making a real difference,” she recalls the former policy analyst, noting that she felt too far removed from the people she was trying to help. While considering social work as an avenue toward better connecting with those in need, Stevens read an article about pastoral counseling in her local newspaper. “I was specifically attracted to pastoral counseling because of its recognition of the importance of spirituality and faith in one’s healing process,” she says. The news article referenced Loyola College in Maryland and a book by Barry Estadt. “I read the book and thought, ‘This is it. This is for me.’”

     Stevens has an interest in working with clients facing depression, anxiety, life transitions, stress and anger management, and grief and loss. She also has experience with domestic violence counseling, as she interned at a domestic violence shelter and, in her previous career, worked with prosecutors on domestic violence issues.

     Meanwhile, Stevens has completed training in Imago relationship therapy and says she is inspired by working with couples in crisis. “My husband and I personally experienced Imago therapy in our relationship and saw how it truly transformed it. I realized immediately that I just had a passion for it. As soon as I was able to be trained, I did it,” she explains.

     Stevens firmly believes that a strong marital relationship has reverberations into one’s larger community. “I feel like couples have a lot of challenges today. A lot of families are in crisis. Imago is a real chance at changing marriages, strengthening them, and not only are you strengthening the marriage, but the family as well. It really trickles down,” she says. “I believe God had a plan for marriage and I feel like when you go through the Imago process it brings you closer to the ideal of that plan.”

     To this end, Stevens and her husband teach the Couplehood as a Spiritual Path course together and are planning a new class this fall in Columbia, Md. “I love working with him. It’s great for us because we feel like we’re giving back, but we’re also working together and I get to see a whole other side to him,” she says. “He’s an engineer and seeing him operate out of his ‘right brain’ is really fun. I love working with him in this way. You learn something about yourself each time you teach. You never stop learning about your own relationship. I’ve been married 16 years and I’m still learning new things, all the time.”

     Stevens says her transition to work at PC&CC has offered even more evidence that she has found the right fit. “Our staff meetings are just another extension of learning. The people are warm and I feel very welcomed, I learn a lot from their expertise and experience. I feel blessed,” she adds. “Working with couples is really what I want to do, it’s where I really feel like I can make a difference. I was searching when I left my other career. I feel like, with Imago, I found what I was looking for.”

Stevens works at PC&CC’s office in Ellicott City, Md. She may be reached at 202-449-3789 x718.

REFERRAL CORNER: Insomnia Prevention and Treatment

       Most of us would say we’d like to get more rest in a typical week. But for nearly one out of three people, insomnia – an interruption in the circadian rhythm of sleeping and wakefulness every 24 hours – is a very real problem each year. According to WebMD, women suffer from insomnia twice as often as men, and these problems increase as we age.

       There are three categories of insomnia. Transient insomnia is a relatively brief experience of sleep disturbance often associated with travel or relocation. Short-term insomnia may last two to three weeks and may be the result of worry or stress. Chronic, prolonged insomnia may suppress the body’s immune system and make us more succeptible to disease.

       About 50 percent of insomnia cases relate to psychological factors. Depression, anxiety disorders and poorly-managed stress may result in insomnia. Physical conditions such as restless leg syndrome, chronic pain, and menopause also have caused debilitating sleep disturbance. Personal lifestyle choices – such as overconsumption of caffeine, sedentary behavior, or an erratic social schedule – may contribute to insomnia.

       One should always consult a physician when dealing with sleep challenges. Medications may be prescribed to help patients return to a regular pattern of rest. Meanwhile, many patients respond well to psychotherapy, relaxation training, regular exercise, and dietary changes. Ensuring proper “sleep hygiene” also is an important step in preventing insomnia. Experts recommend keeping your bedroom dark, limiting mental stimulation right before bedtime, and keeping the room free of televisions, computers, and phones.

PC&CC Counselors are always available for consultation regarding healthy sleep habits and other mental health issues.

RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Celebrating Your Child While Ignoring the 'Joneses'

     I remember when one daughter insisted on wearing the same red sparkly shoes--think Dorothy, Kansas--each and every day. All day. With tights. In 90 degree weather. I wondered what other parents would think of me, especially since I had let the same child pair stripes and florals upon demand. But after considering how confident, how proud, how very "herself" she felt asserting herself in this way, I decided to reduce my role to making sure she was clean and checking to see that no body parts were inappropriately on display. The only real downside to this period of our lives was a small fortune spent on athlete's foot medication.

     We get so upset when our children flout convention or simply seem not to "get it." We wear ourselves out correcting them lest they display our shortcomings as parents. Think of the 7th grade boy with greasy hair or the 12th grade girl bent on saving the planet by wearing only secondhand clothing--undergarments included. What will people think? What will they say? Occasionally, our children may be treated with cruelty, and on those occasions we stand by, ready to act. But an unkind remark might cause our son to make a change toward "normalcy" (whew!) or our daughter to stand up and defend her choices (wow!). So take a deep breath and steal a moment to admire your child for the amazing and inspiring way he is negotiating one of life's most difficult tasks: not being you.

-Carolyn Buresh

NEW GROUPS ROUNDUP

PC&CC is excited to offer the following therapy groups this fall:

      -QuarterLife+10, led by Nathan Gehlert and Cate Shea. Click here for more information.

      -Women in Transition, led by Joanne Comstock. Find more information here.

      -RTA: Releasing and Transforming Anger, led by Kathleen Scheg. Learn more here.

PC&CC EVENT CALENDAR

• Fly-Fishing for the Soul:  An Alaskan Wilderness Adventure, Aug. 15-24. Eight days on a remote river in Alaska. An adventure you'll never forget! All are welcome... no previous experience in fly-fishing or soul searching required! There's still time to join in! Contact Carl Siegel at 202-669-6417 for more information.
• Our "Getting the Love You Want" workshops for couples can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple's ongoing marriage counseling. Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The weekend course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next Washington, DC workshop will be Sept. 6-7. Click here for more information.